Over my last two posts, I’ve described what I see as a huge obstacle to discipleship in urban areas. That obstacle is racial strife.
In the first post of this series, I described racial strife as a past and present struggle which makes it very difficult for people of different ethnic and “ racial” backgrounds to connect, develop trust, and grow together. I contended that the gospel message often runs into a wall because the Church in America refuses to confront its racist legacy. In the second post of this series, I described the image problem that the Church has and challenged us to begin to re-imagine what it means to be “the people of God” in urban areas.
In this third & final post of this series, I’ll share a bit of my story, highlighting the road that has brought me to this place of understanding. Finally, I will offer up some practical insight from my experiences that may prove helpful as we journey forward together.
Check it out and share your thoughts…
While I love the city and my ministry here, I am first and foremost a country boy. I grew up in a small community in the Lowcountry of South Carolina. My family was a part of a small church there, maxing out at about 100 people on Sundays like Easter and Christmas. We had a “larger than life” pastor and no other staff. I have very fond memories of our pastor placing the youth of the church on the front row for Bible study and teaching us the Scriptures there, alongside the adults. It was there, in my childhood, that I developed a love for the Scriptures and a love for the Church. Even while I struggled with my faith during my college years, that love persevered.
My wife and I moved to Minneapolis in 2005 and after a year, I took a position as a youth pastor at a large Baptist church on the Northside of the city. North Minneapolis was often described as the stereotypical urban area:
- high crime (often violent crime), high rate of family breakdown, high in nearly all the societal negatives
- low-income, low property values, low performing schools, etc.
Even so, or perhaps because of those things, North Minneapolis was the community that I felt called to. I wanted to serve that community faithfully. I cared deeply for the people, and my heart broke over and over again to see the plight of the people there, especially, young black and brown children. Despite its reputation, I knew that God was at work there, and I wanted to be a part of what God was doing!
In January of 2007, after serving that church for 3 months, I entered a master’s program at Bethel Seminary in St. Paul, MN. It was a truly transformational time! A few questions were my constant companions throughout seminary, as I served and studied:
- What does it look like for a disciple-making church to take root and flourish in an urban area, specifically North Minneapolis?
- How does racial strife and segregated churches contribute to what we see happening in these communities?
I wrestled with these questions for 4 long years. Even today, I’m wrestling with these kinds of questions. After graduating from Bethel Seminary in 2011, I took a position at a large, urban, intentionally multiethnic church in the same community. I moved out of a sense of calling but also because my wrestling with these kinds of questions had grown more intense. Today, I’m a part of the pastoral team at that church, and I’m still wrestling with similar questions.
While I don’t claim to have all of the answers, I’ve observed a number of things in both study and practice that I’d like to offer up to you, not as an expert but as a co-laborer in Christ:
Urban churches and ministries need a more balanced view of discipleship.
Due to the sheer nature of urban life, discipleship can quickly lose its place of priority in the urban ministry. In urban ministry, the needs are often glaring and overwhelming. Mission drift happens easily and effortlessly. As a result, I’ve seen urban churches and ministries drift into one of three categories:
- Group One churches turn their attention and resources upward, towards purely “spiritual things.” Their strategy is to become increasingly heavenly minded as a way of dealing with the dire situations around them. These churches become experts of great choirs, prayer meetings, and pastor’s anniversaries but little else.
- Group Two churches turn inward in response to the conditions that exist in the community. They become a proverbial oasis in the city, a country club in the midst of vast poverty. What matters to these churches is what happens within the walls of the church. The people who matter most to them are the ones who call this church their home.
- Group Three churches make the decision to fix their attention and resources outward, focusing entirely upon meeting the social needs of the community around them. These churches move from project to project, from this drive to the next, while neglecting spiritual or communal things entirely. These churches often have a revolving door of socially conscious people who come and go because of burnout and a lack of meaningful relationships.
I believe that each of those churches can teach us something, but that each has failed to be balanced in their view of discipleship, therefore producing one-sided believers. An unbalanced church is an ineffective church.
The folks at 3DM paint a much different picture of discipleship, one built on rhythms of:
- Time with God (Up)
- Time with other believers (In)
- Time in the world on mission (Out).
I believe that urban communities would see great transformation when urban churches and ministries call them towards passionate spirituality, radical community, and missional zeal!
Racially homogenous churches & ministries are at a severe disadvantage and will struggle to overcome their own cultural preferences.
There is a common occurrence in urban ministry that seems to be on the upswing as urban ministry becomes “the flavor of the day”. Regularly, I witness the entrance and growth of large, well-meaning Christian ministries. They are well-resourced organizations with lots of paid staff, plush buildings, name recognition, and much more. None of this is troubling on its own. The inherent problem is that many, if not all of these organizations, have a staff that is 100% white in areas that are mostly non-white. Even more troubling is the fact that many of these young, white staffers come from colleges and backgrounds where they have never had to wrestle with issues of privilege and whiteness. In many cases, they enter urban areas and do serious damage because of a lack of cultural intelligence and self-awareness.
I contend that racially homogenous churches and ministries must become a thing of the past. I agree with the writers of United by Faith when they argue that, “The best antidote to national & evangelical struggles over racial & ethnic issues is to build multiracial congregations (organizations) whenever possible.” This point feeds into my next point.
You will not reach and disciple an increasingly multiethnic world by holding onto to mono-ethnic preferences.
Even today, in the eyes of many people, to be a Christian is to be white. This is not to say that to become a Christian a Black or Brown person must change their skin color, but many believe that Christian culture is largely synonymous with suburban, white culture. In other words, too much of what we pass off as Christian, is really what is comfortable for white people. Consider our worship styles. Consider the milestones that we celebrate. Consider the way that we view things like time, honor, conflict, even aging. From where do many urban churches/ministries adopt their values?
Before the gospel is able to really take root in urban areas, we need to have some open, honest conversations about how we exist as the people of God. How much of our current existence as the people of God is tainted by Eurocentric bias? How much of what we do and believe come from cultural biases? It’s a challenging conversation, but I see the church as a worthy “crucible” where we can work out some of these issues of race, ethnicity, and other “isms” in a grace-filled way.
Us vs. Them is a self-perpetuating impasse. You need indigenous leaders in meaningful positions within your organization
I’ll say this succinctly. The greatest testimony that you can have as a ministry in an urban area is the track record of raising up indigenous leaders and handing off meaningful leadership responsibilities to them. How quickly can your organization move from a place of “us” and “them” to a place of “we?”
Finally, I remember 4 steps from Miroslav Volf’s excellent text, Exclusion and Embrace. Volf argues that, “The church has been involved in oppression and exclusion. We have become so absorbed in our own cultures that we are blind to the evil of exclusion.” Volf offers up four steps that I feel must become second nature to all people who would be reconciled, especially in light of racial or religious strife. He says that both the oppressor and oppressed are called by Jesus to:
- Making Space for Others
- Healing of Memory
These are not one and done steps. On the contrary, I do not see us overcoming this great #GospelChallenge unless we are daily entering into this process. Repentance. Forgiveness. Making Space for Others. Healing of Memory. Repeat!
May the God of Peace grant us daily the grace to be reconciled…to God and to one another!Read More
In my previous post, I proposed that when it comes to discipleship in urban areas of this country, there is a major obstacle that cannot be ignored. That obstacle is racial strife, the struggle that exists in our past and our present, which makes it very difficult for people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds to connect, develop trust, and grow together.
Check out part two of this series and please share your thoughts…
In 2013, an amazing film was released to theaters called, “12 Years A Slave.” The film was based on an autobiographical book written in 1853 by the same name. The book told the story of Solomon Northrup, a free man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery in 1840’s New York. The film allowed audiences to catch a glimpse of the horrific conditions of slavery and this man’s struggle to regain his freedom. It was a gripping story, shining a light on the brutal system of slavery.
Beyond what it teaches us about history, there was a huge theological thread woven throughout the film. In the film, we saw two images of Christianity and neither of them were especially pleasing. On one hand, we saw Christianity presented as a tool of the slave master used to coerce and keep slaves obedient to their masters. You see the slave masters preaching to their slaves about obedience, as if that were THE central message of the scriptures. When I think about that, I recall an often-quoted thought tossed around by some who dismiss Christianity. The saying goes, “If your faith comes with instructions of how to treat your slaves, you need a new faith.” It’s not enough to simply dismiss that as rhetoric. The other image of Christianity that we see in the film is that of Christianity being used by the slaves as a coping mechanism to survive this ruthless system. This is not to say that their faith was not authentic. I believe the very opposite to be true. Even so, it’s unsettling to think that some may have come to faith, primarily, for the sake of numbing the pain of their lives.
Here’s how this is relevant for us today: When churches engage urban communities, the question that is directed at you, either verbally or nonverbally, is: “Which Jesus are you selling me?”
- Is it the Jesus that keeps me weak, docile, and controlled?
- Is it the Jesus that is only good enough to get me through my week?
For far too many people in urban communities, the church is not trustworthy, on one hand, and has no real power, on the other hand. We have a #GospelChallenge!
So have I lost hope? Am I saying that we should throw in the towel and give up our efforts to reach urban communities with the transforming Gospel of Jesus Christ?
Even with these vast and far-reaching challenges facing us, there remains what Reinhold Neibuhr calls “a resounding cry, calling the Church back to her mission & purpose.”
Two things are absolutely clear to me:
- We, The Church, must address our troubling past when it comes to race, culture, & ethnicity.
- We, The Church, must begin to reimagine what it means to be “the people of God” in urban areas.
I feel a clear and profound calling to help the church figure out what those two things could look like.
In the third & final post of this series, I’ll share a bit of my story, highlighting what may have brought me to this place. Finally, I will offer up some practical insights of how we might move towards this challenge together!
QUESTION: When you think about iconic portrayals of the Christian faith in film, past or present, what do you recall as some of the more memorable ones? Have those portrayals shaped how you see the church at all?Read More
This summer, I took part in an amazing conference hosted by CRU Inner City. It was called the Creating Options Together Conference and took place here in Minneapolis. The aim of the conference was, “To come together to declare God’s glory, to lift up and empower the church, and to demonstrate the power of the gospel to create options for those in poverty…fresh options that address real needs.” It was humbling to share a stage with noted leaders like Dr. John Perkins and Dr. Carl Ellis. It was also incredibly meaningful to spend time hearing from new leaders (new to me) like Pastor Adam Edgerly and the brilliant Karen Ellis. I was a speaker and presenter, but I learned much more than I could have ever imagined!
I have realized over the last few years that I have some pretty unique and varied groups of friends and colleagues. I also realized that they often don’t interact with each other. That means that the conversations that I have with one group of friends doesn’t always get carried over to another group of friends. It happens sometimes, but it’s not guaranteed. Additionally, I’m hardly ever present with friend group A and friend group B at the same time. I’m constantly looking for ways to bridge that gap. Hopefully, this blog has been and continues to become one of those ways.
To that end, in my next few blog posts, I’ll share some of my messages from the Creating Options Together Conference 2014. I hope that it sparks a dialogue between my different groups of friends and leads to some deeper connections.
The title of this particular talk was #GospelChallenge: Addressing Racial Strife as a Threat to Your Ministry.
Here’s Part 1 of 3…I’d love to hear your thoughts!
(July 2014 – Bethel University Underground)
Friends, you may have noticed a social media trend over the last few months. I’m referring to something called the #GospelChallenge. #GospelChallenge is where one person is “called out” by another and given 24 hours to record a personal video singing a gospel song. The videos were everywhere, and some of them were excellent!
Unfortunately, for every one singer with actual talent…There were 100’s upon 100’s of singers with voices that only their mothers could love…There were others with voices that were made for sign language or for a tightly sealed, soundproof shower…There were many others that gave new interpretation to the verse, “Jesus Wept!” As funny as some of these videos were and as inspiring as some the others were, I wasn’t invited here today to talk about THAT kind of gospel challenge but about another reality that we are called to be aware of and respond to IF we really desire to see the good news of Jesus Christ reach the inner city, take root, and bring about kingdom transformation.
Later this week, each of us will leave the comfort of this conference and head back into our communities, cities, and neighborhoods, and there, waiting on us, will be a troubling reality. Waiting for us in each of our cities is a challenge that is as old as this nation itself and is entrenched in the fabric of this great experiment that we call America. I’m talking about racial strife, the struggle that exists in our past and even today, that makes it very difficult for people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds to connect, trust, and grow together. Friends, I wish that I could talk about this racial strife from a strictly historical & sociological perspective and say that this is an issue that exists strictly in society. I wish that I could stand here and describe this as a situation where the Church is poised to step in and correct what is wrong, but the reality is that when it comes to racial strife, American society and the American church share matching scars. These are matching, ugly scars that cannot simply be ignored.
The reality is that when it comes to racial strife, the church, has “dirty hands,” and those dirty hands stand as a challenge to the Gospel.
At best, the church in America has been “impotent” when it comes to being an effective agent for healing racial strife. At its worst, the church in America has been an active accomplice, a tool, used to create and maintain racial strife and artificial racial divides. Even without looking too hard, the very people that we would seek to engage and minister to in urban communities, ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN, can see that the church has not always been a trustworthy institution.
So what exactly am I talking about when I refer to our #GospelChallenge?
When I say that we have a #GospelChallenge, I’m saying that our history, even our present existence as the church, has become a stumbling block, an obstacle to the spread of the gospel among the lost and hurting in urban areas. I contend that we cannot simply ignore the church’s history and expect it to simply go away. Instead, I propose that must we repent of our brokenness and intentionally rededicate ourselves to the work of reconciliation. Doing so is a critical first step towards creating space for the healing of racial strife, and it must be a part of any Christ-centered strategy for seeing the Gospel reach every corner of every urban area in America.
Question: Would you agree that racial strife has been a “stumbling block” for the American Church? I’d love to hear your thoughts and explanations. As always, feel free to disagree!Read More
Last year, I was contacted by a guy named Andy from the Pacific Northwest and asked if I’d be interested in contributing to a book that he was working on. The book he described was focused on the two topics that I write/think most frequently about, faith and fatherhood. After a quick google search, I realized that Andy was not a hacker or a serial killer, that he had an epic beard, and that this was a real book project. Of course I had to be a part of it!
I’m happy to announce that the project is done and that on October 14, 2014, Father Factor: American Christian Men on Faith and Fatherhood is set to be released!!!
The Father Factor project is part of the I SPEAK FOR MYSELF book series, published in partnership with White Cloud Press. The book explores the intersection between faith and fatherhood, which is core to who I am. The book contains forty essays by forty men all under the age of forty. We represent a wide variety of Christian faith perspectives: Methodist, Presbyterian, Quaker, Mennonite, Pentecostal, Baptist, Church of God, United Church of Christ—and a whole host of different ethnicities: Korean, Mexican, Pacific Islander, Egyptian, Chinese, African American, and Caucasian. We represent all sorts of professions – ministers, professors, a real estate agent, an actor, nonprofit leaders, stay-at-home dads, and a call center representative. We can be found in cities as far apart as Honolulu, Hawaii and Paris, France, and many all points in between. Each of us shares a compelling story about faith and fatherhood…The finished work is amazing!!!
I’d highly recommend the book for your personal library and for small group discussions. The website is here…Take a look around and take advantage of a great discounted price between now and October 13th!
Thanks to everyone who helped bring this project into being, and I look forward to all of you engaging on some level with the book!
Grace & Peace!!!Read More
Note: Back in April 2014, I wrote this post as a part of an online series on Race and Justice for Transform Minnesota, a local, evangelical organization here in Minneapolis. Since that time, several things have happened that have deepened my resolve to call for cross-cultural dialogue among Christians:
- Death of Eric Garner – On July 17th, a 43-year old New York man died after being placed in a prohibited chokehold by police as they tried to question and arrest him. In video of the incident, you can hear Garner screaming that he couldn’t breathe. The incident is under investigation.
- Creating Options Together Conference – CRU Inner City, a Christian organization with partners in nearly every urban center in the country, hosted a week-long conference designed to practically equip leaders to minister in urban areas. It was a great week that provided a glimmer of hope in the midst of evangelical culture.
- Death of John Crawford – On August 5th, a 22-year old Ohio man was shot and killed by police in a Wal-Mart store while holding a toy gun, a BB/Pellet gun that he had picked up in the store. Witnesses report that Crawford screamed, “It’s a toy,” just before being shot by police. His death has been ruled a homicide and is under investigation.
- Death of Mike Brown – On August 9th, an unarmed 18-year old Missouri teen was shot multiple times and killed by police. The incident is under investigation and details really are unclear. The incident, however, has set off several days of protests and confrontations between police and residents.
Each of these events has impacted me in its own way, and they leave me more determined than ever to keep sharing this message. Grace & Peace!
I love communication. I feel it is one of the greatest abilities given to humanity. Be it the cry of an infant, the excited squeal of a group of teenage girls at the mall, the cheerful banter of a family over a meal, even the sobbing that accompanies the loss of a loved one—I can’t imagine what life would be like without the gift of communication.
“In a loud, painful public discourse, white evangelicals have been largely silent, absent and evasive. Why is that?”
The things that we say—our spoken words—are probably the most recognizable form of communication, but many people would agree that everything about us communicates something: our facial expressions, outfits, posture, choice of friends or spending habits. They all communicate something about who we are, what we value, where we are headed.
Even with all of that being true, there is an aspect of communication that we often misunderstand or overlook altogether. I’m referring to silence. Silence communicates.
When I think about the nearly 13 years since I met my wife during our college years and the eight years that I’ve served in vocational ministry in Minneapolis, I’ve had to become a much better communicator. Being married and being a pastor have taught me to listen for words, to watch for nonverbal cues, and to pay attention to moments of silence.
I’ve become acutely aware of the ways in which silence can be just as effective an indicator of a person or group’s thoughts, feelings, values and intentions as a mouthful of words. At times, silence conveys a message that causes one to have great hope. At other times, silence is deafening, harmful and cowardly.
“Unfortunately, there has been an undeniable silence among white evangelical Christians.”
Let me explain one example of the latter.
Jordan Davis is a name the average American probably had never heard before 2012 and probably had forgotten again until last month. That’s understandable, though. Jordan was a regular young man from Florida. His life was not in any way remarkable or noteworthy. He lived the life one would expect of a teenage boy: full of music, sports and time with his friends.
What separates Jordan’s story from that of the vast majority of other American teens is that in November 2012, he had an encounter with an armed adult at a Florida gas station. At the end of that encounter, Jordan Davis lay in the back of a friend’s SUV with two gunshot wounds in his legs and another that had ripped through his liver, lungs and aorta.
Jordan died that night and his shooter drove away, returned to his hotel and had a drink before falling asleep. The shooter was later arrested, but not until he and his fiancé had driven 130 miles the next day back to their home.
Fast forward to February 2014. Just months after handing out a not guilty verdict in the murder of another young black Florida teen named Trayvon Martin, the state sat on the brink of another pivotal legal decision in the trial of Jordan’s killer. Despite the testimony of Jordan’s three friends who were also in the vehicle that night and the damaging testimony of his own fiancé, Jordan’s killer was found not guilty of first-degree murder.
In a strange legal ruling, the jury convicted the shooter on the charge of attempted murder for firing 9-10 shots into the vehicle, but did not convict him of first-degree murder when three of those bullets found their target. The public outrage was immediate and fierce. Unfortunately, it was mostly divided along racial lines.
In the weeks since the verdict, there has been a lot communicated by men and women who profess to be followers of Jesus Christ. There have been calls for boycotts of the state of Florida, appeals to the moral conscience of our entire nation, prayer for the safety and protection of our children and much more. Cries for God’s justice have echoed from pulpits, pews, prayer benches and street corners.
Unfortunately, there has been an undeniable silence among white evangelical Christians. In a loud, painful public discourse, white evangelicals have been largely silent, absent and evasive. Why is that?
I believe there are a few reasons, some understandable, others a bit more difficult to excuse. Here’s my best estimation of why many white evangelicals chose silence in this and other cases of racial injustice:
Many white evangelicals realize that confronting racial injustice is dirty, messy work. The terrain is full of land mines and any misunderstanding—any comment taken out of context, any assumption made—can potentially “set things off.” I’ve seen situations where well-meaning friends have been accused of being prejudiced, ignorant, even racist. For many, that possibility is enough to keep them quiet, even when biblical justice calls for them to do otherwise.
Perceived Lack of Skills
Similar to the previous reason, many white evangelicals don’t believe they have the right skills to navigate this type of situation. They believe they lack the right words or the necessary experiences. Being silent often seems less treacherous.
Some white evangelicals are so emotionally disconnected from the likes of a Jordan Davis that they really have no reference point in which to identify. The idea of their teenage children leaving home and losing their life at the hand of some troubled adult just isn’t a reality for them. They remain quiet, often while harboring thoughts like, There must be more to the story. Stuff like this doesn’t just happen. Social distance makes it difficult for us to identify with those in other stages of life.
Finally, many white evangelicals remain silent about racial injustice because in order to address situations like the Jordan Davis case, we would have to address the historic, systemic roots of racism and injustice based on race in this country, including in the American church. Unresolved guilt, even for Bible-believing Christians is a struggle.
One of the underlying reasons that evangelicals are more committed to international missions than they are to missional living at home is that in order to do the hard work of justice in America, it would require us to acknowledge the deep, dark legacy of racism and racial injustice that haunts the American church. It’s easier to do compassion work on the other side of the globe than it is to let justice roll down our own streets.
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. understood well the complexities of balancing the call to follow Christ with the challenge to fight injustice. In fact, his work to eradicate racial injustice was fueled by his love of God and his proper understanding of the Imago Dei. In 1956, Dr. King said: “There are not gradations in the image of God. Every man, from a treble white to a bass black is significant on God’s keyboard, precisely because every man is made in the image of God. One day we will learn that.”
I join Dr. King in pointing us toward a day when every human life is equally valued in our churches, our communities and given equal protection by our justice system. Even more so, I look with eagerness to the day when God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, freeing us from all vestiges of sin, death and hatred.
Until then, let us not give in to any impulse that would keep us silent! Until then, let us refuse to be silenced by fear, ability, distance or guilt!Read More
If you’ve ever created anything, led anything, done anything worthwhile, consider this quote:
“It’s not the critic who counts. It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled. Credit belongs to the man who really was in the arena, his face marred by dust, sweat, and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs to come short and short again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming. It is the man who actually strives to do the deeds, who knows the great enthusiasm and knows the great devotion, who spends himself on a worthy cause, who at best, knows in the end the triumph of great achievement. And, who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and cruel souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” (Theodore Roosevelt)
Overwhelming dude language aside, President Roosevelt was 100% on point.
There will ALWAYS be sideline critics, contrary voices of people who are not in the game at all. When you’re not in the game, you have tons of free time to pick apart the work of those who are.
If you’re battling these voices, don’t let fear of what they might say or do keep you from putting it all on the line everyday. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed by desires to please sideline critics.
Instead, refocus on the assignment before you. Dare greatly and be willing to fail on the way to success.
When all else fails, dare to turn to these critics and invite them into the game. The best way to silence a lazy critic is to invite them to join you in doing what needs to be done. Chances are that they will decline and soon disappear.
Then, you can get back to work and turn your attention back to the people (and things) that really matter!
Question: What advice would you give a person who is struggling because of sideline critics?Read More
Here’s to 2014, friends!
Our Deepest Fear — Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
A Generation of Fathers
I’m an 80’s kids. The 80’s and 90’s, for a number of different reasons, seem to have been a turning point where fatherhood began to decline tremendously, especially in urban areas and communities of color. The war on drugs, mass incarceration, even certain welfare reforms led to remarkable changes to the family structure, as more and more fathers found themselves either locked up and/or separated from their families. I was one of countless young men who grew up without their dads, having to navigate those early years without the guiding hand of their father. I fear that the negative effects of this won’t be fully understood for many decades to come!
Even with that being the case, I see a growing trend that gives me great hope. Many young men who grew up without the strong hand of their fathers have grown up and are now making pledges to reverse this debilitating trend. Nearly every one of my friends is a young, active, ambitious dad. The others are young husbands with real dreams of someday becoming dads that are present, active, and involved. We have ongoing conversations about raising our kids together, as an extended family. We dream about our kids playing sports together and bringing championships to the city. We mentor and counsel other teens and young adults, giving them a vision for the day when they will become husbands and fathers. My friends and I are working to exponentially increase the number of good fathers. We’re serious about legacy, not just for our families, but for so many others that cross our paths. We really are working to raise up a generations of “good dudes,” as my buddy Jesse often says!
It’s Not About Me…It’s About You
I get teased from time to time about my passion for fathers. Some wonder if I’m being a little self-serving. I’m a good sport about it…often it comes from one of my sisters and I give them that privilege of ragging on me! In the end, though, I remind them that what’s good for the father is, ultimately, good for the family. A good father is a blessing to his family, his community, his city. My passion is to see my city saturated with good fathers, men who are present, active, engaged, and….celebrated! I think raising up good fathers is one of the secrets to transforming our communities!
So go for it…let’s do a better job of celebrating dads and watch what happens. Maybe one day, the norm will be that children will be able to celebrate their dads like this young brother, Joseph, does in a poem called Words for My Father. You’ll find it at the end of this post. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here now: Much of what we believe about God is impacted by what we saw in our earthly father.
May we build a generation of fathers who will represent Our Father well!
Over the last week, I’ve been sharing a 4-part blog about our collective need to do a much better job of celebrating dads. In Part I, we tried to get some explanation for why we hesitate to celebrate dads. In Part II, we tried to discuss what’s at stake and the question of why this even matters at all. In this 3rd part of the series, the conversation will move to a more practical place and offer some tips for getting started. Feel free to read it, share your thoughts, and pass it along!
Start Somewhere and Just say Thanks
Knowing that I will alienate a few of my feminist friends, I think that the journey to celebrating fathers well begins by acknowledging that men and women are not the same, and that we contribute distinct things, especially within the context of family. On his best day, a father is not a mother. The same rule applies to a woman attempting to replace a man. If you need help working through this concept, try wrestling with this question: What abilities/skills/quirks/traits/etc. did you get from your dad that your mom could not have given you? Contrary to what society seems to be leaning towards, there are some very unique and valuable things that a father contributes to the family. Recognizing that one small truth will begin a process that will allow us to move to the next step – look for those praiseworthy things and affirm him for them.
Begin by spending some real time discovering the unique contributions that your husband, your dad, your brother makes to his family. Discover the ways that he blesses his family and celebrate those things. Maybe he’s a fixer who goes to great length to keep the house functioning and moving along. I’m not that kind of dad, but I appreciate those kinds of dads. Maybe he’s an encourager who cheers his kids along in everything – academics, sports, hobbies, even relationships. It’s ok to let him know how that adds to the life of your family. Maybe he’s a strong, silent type who brings a certain calm to every situation. You’d be crazy not to acknowledge that! Maybe he’s the hardworking dad who sacrifices so that mom can stay at home and care for the kids. More and more these days, I even see dads that stay at home while mom has the career. That’s incredibly courageous and deserves some thanks!
To the question of how, let’s remember that the “right” way to say thanks is as unique as each dad is. My wife would never spend $1,000 on a power tool as a gift for me. She knows that it would never get used. Much more awesome in my book is the assortment of random e-mail or text messages that she sends me out of the blue to say thanks for being an awesome husband and father! When I read them, I feel like there is nothing that I can’t accomplish!
Honestly, there is no one image of fatherhood and no universal “right way” to celebrate fathers; However, there is one common desire that I’d argue all men have and that is the desire to know that what he is doing is appreciated and is worth something!
Ladies, you’re welcome in advance!!!
We Recreate What We Celebrate
Values are, in my opinion, both taught and caught. With our words, our corrections, and our daily actions, we are communicating our values to others. Most would probably agree with me there. What we often overlook, though, is the fact that the things we celebrate are the things that we, ultimately, recreate.
Here’s one way to think about it. When a child is young, they quickly learn that certain actions will earn them positive attention from the people around them. Over time, they can be seen repeating those actions, often hoping to earn more positive attention and praise. As parents, teachers, and others with influence over young children, we learn to celebrate certain things, rewarding desirable behaviors and attributes. At the same time, we withhold celebration and reward when that child exhibits some undesirable behavior or attribute. In doing so, we are teaching that child, communicating certain values. The goal is always to pass along those desirable values and behaviors, getting that child to internalize and reproduce them. I’m convinced that this manner of teaching and passing along of values does not end with childhood.
If this true, what are we communicating to young boys, teenage boys, young adult males and young dads about fatherhood? I would argue that our society is sending a resounding message to boys that says fathers are expendable. The message seems to be that fathers are a “nice to have,” but not essential. We give the impression that what the father brings to the family is dispensable, nonessential, extra.
Here is one simple truth that every woman would be wise to figure out: Not one man in this world flourishes in an environment that tells him that he is simply extra!
All that being said, I’m admonishing the wise people among us to begin to think critically and act swiftly to start celebrating fathers. Let younger males see that fatherhood matters and is desirable. Better yet, let them know that our expectation is that every father would be present and active in the lives of their children. Only when we change expectations and become more thoughtful and intentional about what we celebrate will we begin to see meaningful change.
After all, the things that we celebrate are the things that we eventually recreate!